What Scares You?
What scares you? The dark? Being alone? Conspiracy theories?
A few weeks ago, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear, I was trying to explain to my brother what it was like being a single female in a new place, trying to deal with car purchases and sales--without my dad or brother to help, except over the phone. I dislike gender stereotyping, but I still found myself trying to imagine what would be the equivalent fear for a guy. Buying a gift for a baby shower? No. Just get some diapers. I really couldn't think of anything at the time, but I've just gotten an idea while writing this. Planning a marriage proposal...? Maybe not, but it seems like a guy would feel pretty vulnerable in that situation. And heaven knows it was my vulnerability I was struggling with in my car dilemma.
I couldn't figure out why this was so hard for me. I mean, seriously, I've traveled overseas and faced injury, illness, earthquakes, typhoons, and plenty of other fearsome obstacles. But nothing (well, except one night of dengue fever) made me feel as scared, overwhelmed, and vulnerable as the crisis of buying and selling a car on my own.
Anyway, it's all over now, thankfully, and I give all the credit to Jesus for giving me courage; my family for their patient advice and prayers (from a distance); and a few friends and acquaintances to whom I will always be grateful. I survived buying a new car, and tonight, I finally finished the ordeal of selling my broken-down car on Craigslist. Now that it's over, it's not scary any more, but please don't make me do it again! Ever!
Really, though, why was this so hard? I think because my biggest fear is asking for help. I can ask for it when it doesn't matter too much, or when I have a plan B, or when I know it won't require much, or especially if I have a solid relationship with the person I am asking. But when I truly need help and have no other options of my own self-sufficiency...beware, I might start hyperventilating. I like humility on my own terms, thank you. And I like to think I've conquered this I-don't-need-help phobia already. But apparently not, because God seems to bring a new lesson every other month or so which requires me to depend on Him completely and...ask for help.
Perhaps one day I will get over this phobia. I think that being forced to ask for help a few times during this ordeal, and actually surviving it, will get me closer to realizing that dream. But for now, I'm going to sleep with a big smile on my face that it's all over and I can pretend to be self-sufficient again for a little while. Mercy.
A few weeks ago, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear, I was trying to explain to my brother what it was like being a single female in a new place, trying to deal with car purchases and sales--without my dad or brother to help, except over the phone. I dislike gender stereotyping, but I still found myself trying to imagine what would be the equivalent fear for a guy. Buying a gift for a baby shower? No. Just get some diapers. I really couldn't think of anything at the time, but I've just gotten an idea while writing this. Planning a marriage proposal...? Maybe not, but it seems like a guy would feel pretty vulnerable in that situation. And heaven knows it was my vulnerability I was struggling with in my car dilemma.
I couldn't figure out why this was so hard for me. I mean, seriously, I've traveled overseas and faced injury, illness, earthquakes, typhoons, and plenty of other fearsome obstacles. But nothing (well, except one night of dengue fever) made me feel as scared, overwhelmed, and vulnerable as the crisis of buying and selling a car on my own.
Anyway, it's all over now, thankfully, and I give all the credit to Jesus for giving me courage; my family for their patient advice and prayers (from a distance); and a few friends and acquaintances to whom I will always be grateful. I survived buying a new car, and tonight, I finally finished the ordeal of selling my broken-down car on Craigslist. Now that it's over, it's not scary any more, but please don't make me do it again! Ever!
Really, though, why was this so hard? I think because my biggest fear is asking for help. I can ask for it when it doesn't matter too much, or when I have a plan B, or when I know it won't require much, or especially if I have a solid relationship with the person I am asking. But when I truly need help and have no other options of my own self-sufficiency...beware, I might start hyperventilating. I like humility on my own terms, thank you. And I like to think I've conquered this I-don't-need-help phobia already. But apparently not, because God seems to bring a new lesson every other month or so which requires me to depend on Him completely and...ask for help.
Perhaps one day I will get over this phobia. I think that being forced to ask for help a few times during this ordeal, and actually surviving it, will get me closer to realizing that dream. But for now, I'm going to sleep with a big smile on my face that it's all over and I can pretend to be self-sufficient again for a little while. Mercy.
Sometimes i'm stumped by the saying "knowing it is half the battle". It seems like its one fourth the battle for me. You can relate :) Thanks for sharing. Your honesty is endearing. I love you.
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