Hiding
Dear Everyone:
Ok, I admit it, I'm hiding. I've been making up excuses for the last several weeks, calling it anything but hiding. Too tired, not enough energy, other stuff to do...Whenever I get here, I always feel like I have good reasons for it. But whenever I leave, I don't really want to go back.
I am sorry. Maybe one day I'll be different. But for now, there are these times. I'm avoiding the questions about what I am doing, what I will be doing, what I would like to do, what my "dream job" is, where I would live if I could live anywhere in the world. Because I don't know. What is my calling? My passion? I don't know. I thought I did that one day that one year, but I guess that wasn't it either. Or at least it isn't any more. And I can't explain my life right now, but I am ok. I'm a little lonely, here in my hiding spot. I miss talking to people and listening. But it's where I have to be right now, and I'm not really alone. God is here too, and we've been talking a lot more lately. I feel His presence, and I know it's all going to be ok. Don't ask me how or when, but for right now, it's enough to feel Him with me, keeping me calm, giving me patience, blocking the false accusations I want to throw at myself that maybe I'm just lazy, or maybe I am too afraid. Maybe I should have done something different in college or grad school. Maybe I shouldn't be here. But to really believe that, I would have to believe that God has not been leading in each step of my life until now, and I've seen too much to believe that. The story of my life actually kind of makes sense so far, in its own weird way, thanks to the Author. And even though this current chapter sure seems kind of long and boring, I don't think it makes a very good ending. There must be more to come. To be continued...right?
But until that happens, forgive me while I disappear for a little while. If you want to find me, I'm always here, but otherwise, I'll see you again when it's a little easier to talk about my life. Thanks for understanding.
Blessings,
Me
Ok, I admit it, I'm hiding. I've been making up excuses for the last several weeks, calling it anything but hiding. Too tired, not enough energy, other stuff to do...Whenever I get here, I always feel like I have good reasons for it. But whenever I leave, I don't really want to go back.
I am sorry. Maybe one day I'll be different. But for now, there are these times. I'm avoiding the questions about what I am doing, what I will be doing, what I would like to do, what my "dream job" is, where I would live if I could live anywhere in the world. Because I don't know. What is my calling? My passion? I don't know. I thought I did that one day that one year, but I guess that wasn't it either. Or at least it isn't any more. And I can't explain my life right now, but I am ok. I'm a little lonely, here in my hiding spot. I miss talking to people and listening. But it's where I have to be right now, and I'm not really alone. God is here too, and we've been talking a lot more lately. I feel His presence, and I know it's all going to be ok. Don't ask me how or when, but for right now, it's enough to feel Him with me, keeping me calm, giving me patience, blocking the false accusations I want to throw at myself that maybe I'm just lazy, or maybe I am too afraid. Maybe I should have done something different in college or grad school. Maybe I shouldn't be here. But to really believe that, I would have to believe that God has not been leading in each step of my life until now, and I've seen too much to believe that. The story of my life actually kind of makes sense so far, in its own weird way, thanks to the Author. And even though this current chapter sure seems kind of long and boring, I don't think it makes a very good ending. There must be more to come. To be continued...right?But until that happens, forgive me while I disappear for a little while. If you want to find me, I'm always here, but otherwise, I'll see you again when it's a little easier to talk about my life. Thanks for understanding.
Blessings,
Me
You are my hiding place! You protect me from trouble, and you put songs in my heart because you have saved me. You said to me, “I will point out the road that you should follow. I will be your teacher and watch over you."
Psalm 32:7, 8 (CEV)
Hey, I miss talking to you. One of these days we should crawl out of our holes and chat. I can sympathise with where your at, I've spent a lot of time there myself. I sometimes look at my life and think I must look to God like a child rolling around in the mud, refusing to grow up spiritually. Sometimes I feel like I'm genuinely searching, but not getting anywhere. There must be some trick that I'm missing, like that first time you've ever played a videogame and cant figure out whats going until someone tells you that you've been staring at a wall the entire time. lol, I bet when we get to heaven we'll all have a good laugh at ourselves
ReplyDeleteThanks, Brandon. My brother likes to compare the faith journey with the 90s "Magic Eye" posters. I guess there is always a part that has to keep searching--not depending on our own understanding, and somehow trying to grasp that true reality is actually more on the side of faith than what we can see and feel. It's a journey. It takes patience. Sometimes it takes hiding and thinking, and sometimes it's about sharing the journey with others. Thanks for taking the time to share a bit of yours.
Deletemmm, that sounds all too familiar. Thanks for being willing to share, you have such eloquence and perspective. You have encouraged me more than you know. I pray that God will be your everything, especially in these times of "hiding" :)
ReplyDelete~Mandy
Thank you, Mandy.
ReplyDeleteIf you get too lonely, let me know. We could make a meal or hike the biology trails or something, and I promise I won't ask a single question about your future :)
ReplyDelete