Weakness

    Earlier this evening, I asked my mom if she would bring me some tea.  She asked me what kind.  "Surprise me," I said.  My mom knows all the teas I've tried lately, and she hasn't seen me sipping any Blood Orange Green Tea from my mug...so that's the one she picked.  Which of course is the only one we have that contains caffeine.  So now it's 2:35 a.m., and I've been reading a bunch of old blogs, and I'm listening to the sound of rain outside.  It actually sounds quite nice.
     And I am thinking about weakness.  I've learned a lot about weakness lately.  Even a couple months after dengue fever, I find that weakness isn't too far away.  I've also been staying with my great-grandmother for a few afternoons over the last few weeks, and watching her struggle with weakness makes me feel like the Incredible Hulk.  Simple things, like getting up off the couch, take extreme focus, energy, and caution.
     That picture of my great-grandmother slowly, shakily attempting to rise to her feet makes me think of my spiritual life lately...or in the last year even.  I'll find God and hold on to Him and shakily start rising, and then without really knowing how it happened, find myself back on the couch, starting over.  I get frustrated at myself for not being able to do such simple spiritual things, like having faith, joy, peace or love.  Ok, maybe these things aren't simple, but after so many lessons, so many experiences God has already brought me through--why am I not stronger?  Even now, here at home with all the advantages and resources of books and the internet and Bible software...even with the firm belief that I know God exists, and I know He has been working in my life, and I know He is working out His plan...
     But do you know where the weakness really comes from?  Deep down, I know what it is that makes me step unsteadily and fall.  It's a long season of struggling to believe that God...loves...me.  Why do I struggle with this basic foundation?  I've tried to figure that out, but can't come up with any good reason.  I read it in the Bible, I see the gifts He's given me, I remember the times He has already helped me see it clearly, I even am convinced that He loves other people, and I readily tell them they should believe it.  But somehow there are these seasons where it feels like God's love just doesn't apply to me.  And when you don't have that basic foundation, it seems like everything else you try to build is a bit crumbly.  I know that my feelings are not accurate in about this, and so this is why I struggle because it takes some extra effort to choose to believe the truth over what feels true.
     But here is one golden truth I am very thankful for:

"'My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.'  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.'"  2 Cor. 12:9 (NLT)