He is Mine Forever

I've been in Guam since Wednesday morning, just getting checked out after what seems to be Dengue Fever, and possibly Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever.  It's been an interesting journey for sure.  I've had a lot of time to think.  And sleep.

Sunday night was probably the most scared I've been in my life.  For some reason, I had the sensation that I could die at any minute.  I was afraid that my body would just get overloaded with trying to fight this disease and would just give up--and that would be it, alone in the middle of the night, far from home and family.  Perhaps it was a bit dramatic, but I can assure you, it felt very real.  It was one of those times where you come face-to-face with whatever it is that you say you believe.  I remember thinking, how is it that my beliefs are so real when it doesn't matter as much, I mean, when things are under control, but right now, when I really need to feel some evidence of my faith...it feels far away?  I think mostly it was because I was like a panicked little kid, kicking and screaming so much that I couldn't hear my Father's voice, trying to comfort and reassure me.  As soon as I stopped to talk to Him, to read His Word, to listen...He was there.  Then I felt His peace, and I could go back to sleep.

Now that I am here in Guam, the illness itself is pretty much over, but my body is still recovering.  I've read on the internet how it takes some people months to recover, and they have no energy, and sometimes feel depressed.  I'm already feeling the exhaustion, and want to sleep all the time.  And I can't help but wonder why God keeps pulling me out of the game?  How am I supposed to keep serving Him if I am completely wiped out?  What am I supposed to be learning through all of this?  How do I go back to Yap and face my fear of getting bitten again and possibly having a worse case of Dengue?  I have lots to think about, but mostly what I have realized, is that I need to stop and let God speak into my soul again.  I've been so busy keeping up with crises that I've put God on the back burner.  I guess I figured I'd get back to spending quality time with Him after normal life resumed, and we were out of survival mode.  But I really miss Him, you know?  If there is ever a time I really want to feel God's presence near, it's now, in the middle of my storms. I can't put Him off any more--I want to know His love again now.  And I am thankful to have the time to do that now.  But I'm a little afraid.  I'm tired.  I've already put God off so much.  Will He still speak to me?  Will I still be able to hear Him?  Can this physical "time-out" really be a time of spiritual refreshment?  I'm really praying that God will come through, and there's a little spark of faith left that makes me have hope that He will.

My health my fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart; 

He is mine forever.

Ps. 73:26