A Year Ago

When the Red Sea saw you, O God, its waters looked and trembled!  The sea quaked to its very depths.  The clouds poured down their rain; the thunder rolled and crackled in the sky.  Your arrows of lightning flashed.  Your thunder roared from the whirlwind; the lightning lit up the world!  The earth trembled and shook.  Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters--a pathway no one knew was there!  (Psalm 77:19)

Journal Entry
Oct. 11, 2009
At times like these, when I feel this storm taking over my inner world, and it seems like there is no way out--perhaps, Lord, You are simply setting the stage for a dramatic escape.  Your power was in that storm--the thunder, lightning, wind, and waves--and it was through that storm and wind that the waters were piled high and a pathway appeared that no one knew was there.  Just like that Lord--is that what You are wanting to tell me in these days of uncertainty and darkness and frustration and stuckness?  That maybe, instead of seeing all this as something to endure and survive, to look for Your power being displayed in all of this, and that my deliverance will be secured through the storm, not inspite of it.  And that these winds of change that are blowing in so many directions that I get confused--they are the same winds that You will use to open up a pathway that no one knew was there.

A little over a year ago, I was still grieving the loss of my grandpa, dealing with lots of changes at my work, and looking at uncertain career plans as I finished my Masters.  Sometimes I really felt like God was going to work it out--I somehow just knew that He was going to provide something, and He was already preparing me for it.  But other times I wondered, is this all just in my head?  Does God really have something for me?  Am I crazy?

And then came November 18, a little over a month after this journal entry, and it changed my life.  I did not know Kirsten Wolcott very well, except for just working with her in her process to become a student missionary in Yap as a teacher.  But through the tragedy and horror of her murder, God spoke to me.  He helped me face and conquer some long-term fears.  He made a way through the storm and opened a pathway that I had not known was there.  Through that storm, God brought me to Yap and taught me so many things.  He brought a passion back into my life that I did not think was possible.  He brought purpose and focus that I had not felt in a long time.  He gave me a spiritual community of friendships that brought healing to some deeply-buried hurts.

Last week, I read Rainey Park's Love, Kirsten.  It reminded of how this one event has changed so much about my life, about what I care about, and how I see the world.  But it gave me peace too.  Peace that God can use our stories, and as long as we're still alive, He's still writing.  We don't know why things have to end the way they do, or why we can't skip ahead a bit and see what our stories hold, but peace comes in learning to trust the Author.  And we can trust that He'll keep opening those pathways at just the right time.