Ready or Not, Here I Am

Here is a picture of my brother and me now (see previous blog).

Man, I am tired. I've been cleaning and cooking all day here at Camp Wawona. I am enjoying that good, old-fashioned exhaustion where you just put your feet up at the end of the day (and week), and your eye-lids get heavy, and you feel just a little sore. I know I will sleep good tonight.

After an adventurous road-trip with my cousin, including Route 66 and the Grand Canyon, I moved into a nice little cabin in the mountains, next-door to my brother, with my former college roommate, Sonya. Staff orientation took up most of this week, which was on a house-boat on a lake. It was relaxing and informative, and I was even able to reinstate a little of my Yap tan (didn't even get burned).

That is what's up on the outside; the inside has been a different story. I still miss Yap so much. One of the best ways I can think of to describe it is like walking in a little creek, and then a flash-flood comes, and you're holding on to rocks and branches for dear life. Sometimes I feel ok about where I am and what I am doing, and other times I feel overwhelmed with knowing the need in Yap, and feeling like I belong there more than anywhere here in America. I really thought I should be over this by now, you know? But, as I would tell anyone else going through something like this, no one is in the same time zone in dealing with life.

It stinks that it takes so long for me to move on, but I guess it just reminds me of how amazingly blessed I was, and how fully I really lived. I know I am experiencing life fully now as well, as I truly feel this loss. If I tried to shut that pain off too quickly, just because it seems like I should, there would be a little part of me that would die. What amazes me the most is that, even with this difficult struggle--because of this struggle?--God has felt so near. I hear His whispers clearly through Isaiah's writings, and feel His comfort and understanding ear. We've had so many conversations, and I know His love will never fail me. It is truly humbling to think about that. God's plans are perfect, whether I understand them right now or not.

So...ready or not, here I am. Blessed be the name of the Lord...