Anywhere
Sometimes I feel caught somewhere between being ok with vulnerability and guarding against it as if my life depends on it. I was realizing this blog might be a safe "in-between" space for processing since I have about nine views on a good day, and most of those are likely from my family. (Hi Mom!) But it feels like a place I can experiment with words to express what's on the inside.
What's the difference between that and what I've been doing the last ten plus years on this blog? Well, it probably depends on the season. Sometimes it's just easier to write generically and safely. But it doesn't seem to help that much. So, for today at least, here's something new for me--and for whoever else may randomly find this. May it be helpful.
My other disclaimer is that I feel a little self-conscious that I usually end up writing when I'm not feeling my best. So let me just name that now and get it over with. If someone out there finds this and is not in this place, or feels like it's more helpful to stay positive, this may not be helpful if you're not willing to go through the valley with me. So feel free to spend your time elsewhere. But if you're up for taking the scenic route, you're welcome along on the ride. It might get bumpy and messy, but I am learning again that this seems to be exactly where God likes to meet us. So...here we go.
The wind rushed through the grass, and hustled the light charcoal clouds from west to east, away from the glowing sunset peeking through thicker, puffier clouds, and toward the mountains and their snow-lined ridges. I tried to take it in, but long-overdue tears kept filling my eyes and spilling over, yet quickly and mercifully dried by the wind.
The same old question with every step of the trail, crossing the hills until I sat to watch the setting sun. My anger burned. Why? Why would you keep me single and keep me here? Why not send me somewhere that I obviously don't fit in, but in a culture that more easily accepts foreigners? Why do I have to live surrounded by a culture and subculture where I appear to belong, but cannot ever feel like I belong because I am not on the same path in life? I missed the exit a long time ago and it feels way too late to catch up. So everyone keeps going into their worlds of kids, marked by growth stages, grades, school programs, play dates, Pathfinders. I feel left out, left behind. Why? Why would you lead me here to perpetual isolation? Is there anywhere else you can take me?
I cried. I listened. I watched. I walked back in the twilight, watching one lone figure in the distance returning on the trail ahead of me as if they were my guardian angel. (I think they even waited in the parking lot until they saw me descending the last hill toward my car--the last one there.) I knew God was there. I didn't hear anything profound, but I knew He was there, and it would be ok. Just keep going one day at a time, that's how all mysteries are eventually answered. Just keep repeating "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," because that's where the strength will come from.
On the way home I listened to a recommended Jon Foreman song on Spotify called "Bloom." I think it was good. But the song that took my breath away in its precision of capturing perfectly what my heart was trying to say to my Father was this one:
I thought about breaking this down, line by line, explaining how it feels so relevant. But it feels like I'm trying to translate something and losing the meaning in the process. Besides, maybe there's something that you as a reader need to see and experience in this song for yourself. So I'll leave it with you, but let me say--stick with it til the end. Because that is where my prayer is ending tonight, and the most freeing place to be--not escaping the discomfort or pain in distraction or dreams, but facing it and embracing each day with courage and hope that I have learned I can only find in Jesus. Whether it's singleness or stress with work or losing my keys again, He's the one who can help me stay in it. And if there is nothing else to be thankful for in these kinds of places, I am thankful to need Him more, and because of that, I would not want to be anywhere but here.
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