Soul Amnesia
Sometimes I'm not always sure how precisely open I want to be on my blog. Well, ok, maybe in real life too. I don't feel like I have any secrets. But is my inner-world worth sharing? Will it be misunderstood or misinterpreted? Will it discourage or encourage? Is it just about me getting it out there, or is there some other useful reason it needs to be in the light? I might be over-analyzing just a little, but welcome to my world.
At the risk of being misunderstood or misinterpreted, but hopefully not being discouraging, I give you my present situation. I'm almost done with Yap--with all it's told and untold adventures--and now I have to get a job. It's a good thing. I have bills to pay, and I'm honestly ready to settle down at least a little bit. The search is going pretty well actually. There are many ideas to sort through, and people to give advice. But it seems like there comes a time in these transition seasons where I kind of just wake up one day and have some kind of temporary amnesia. My soul gets very quiet and still. My mind and body slow down. I am floating in the water without a motor or a sail, hoping to drift somewhere I want to go. I feel kind of like I was following God, but I got a little too far behind, and I'm not sure which way He went. But at the same time, I feel like He's very close; maybe even closer than when things make sense, and I'm on my way. But still...just out of reach...for now.
And in this state, I try to think of the future. I feel tired from this year. How do I start another adventure when I'm still recovering from this one? What should I expect from a new job? Am I supposed to like it, or just tolerate it? Does God care which job I take? Does He have one picked out or am I just supposed to go with whatever and it will be in God's will? I hear many opinions on that one, and even though I know there is some truth in the idea that following God is more about His kingdom lived out inside me in any context...it leaves me feeling very lost and scared when faced with so many decisions ahead. If I can't depend on Him to help me navigate these unknowns, to help me see which one is the best one for me for where I am right now, then I have nothing left. Honestly. There's been a lot of surrendering going on this year, and it doesn't leave me with much to work with on my own. So if I have any hope of finding something that I will not only be able to tolerate but might actually be called to...I have to have Him in on this one.
Today for the elementary week of prayer I told the story of Job. It's not exactly a light-hearted story for kids, but they survived it rather well. It's actually a pretty hard story to wrap up though. I mean, other than the part about how all of his stuff was doubled and he had more kids. The part about how Job made his peace with God. What did Job learn? Did he learn that there were meetings in Heaven he didn't know about? No. Did he find any direct answers to his many good questions? No. It was something about how God knew more than him about how the universe should run, and how that's enough to know. How even when things don't make sense, we can trust that Somebody knows what's going on, and if we are willing to humble ourselves enough to let go of the way we think things should be and trust the path He has us on...we'll be much better off in the end. And we'll find our peace with God.
So for now, I'll surrender. I'll let God have His way, one step at a time. I might feel disoriented and unsteady, but I'm ready to just rest in Him while I'm waiting for things to make sense again.
At the risk of being misunderstood or misinterpreted, but hopefully not being discouraging, I give you my present situation. I'm almost done with Yap--with all it's told and untold adventures--and now I have to get a job. It's a good thing. I have bills to pay, and I'm honestly ready to settle down at least a little bit. The search is going pretty well actually. There are many ideas to sort through, and people to give advice. But it seems like there comes a time in these transition seasons where I kind of just wake up one day and have some kind of temporary amnesia. My soul gets very quiet and still. My mind and body slow down. I am floating in the water without a motor or a sail, hoping to drift somewhere I want to go. I feel kind of like I was following God, but I got a little too far behind, and I'm not sure which way He went. But at the same time, I feel like He's very close; maybe even closer than when things make sense, and I'm on my way. But still...just out of reach...for now.
And in this state, I try to think of the future. I feel tired from this year. How do I start another adventure when I'm still recovering from this one? What should I expect from a new job? Am I supposed to like it, or just tolerate it? Does God care which job I take? Does He have one picked out or am I just supposed to go with whatever and it will be in God's will? I hear many opinions on that one, and even though I know there is some truth in the idea that following God is more about His kingdom lived out inside me in any context...it leaves me feeling very lost and scared when faced with so many decisions ahead. If I can't depend on Him to help me navigate these unknowns, to help me see which one is the best one for me for where I am right now, then I have nothing left. Honestly. There's been a lot of surrendering going on this year, and it doesn't leave me with much to work with on my own. So if I have any hope of finding something that I will not only be able to tolerate but might actually be called to...I have to have Him in on this one.
Today for the elementary week of prayer I told the story of Job. It's not exactly a light-hearted story for kids, but they survived it rather well. It's actually a pretty hard story to wrap up though. I mean, other than the part about how all of his stuff was doubled and he had more kids. The part about how Job made his peace with God. What did Job learn? Did he learn that there were meetings in Heaven he didn't know about? No. Did he find any direct answers to his many good questions? No. It was something about how God knew more than him about how the universe should run, and how that's enough to know. How even when things don't make sense, we can trust that Somebody knows what's going on, and if we are willing to humble ourselves enough to let go of the way we think things should be and trust the path He has us on...we'll be much better off in the end. And we'll find our peace with God.
So for now, I'll surrender. I'll let God have His way, one step at a time. I might feel disoriented and unsteady, but I'm ready to just rest in Him while I'm waiting for things to make sense again.
"There's been a lot of surrendering going on this year, and it doesn't leave me with much to work with on my own."
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're in a good place, Andrea. Perhaps not a feel-good place, but one where God has the freedom to work miracles. You know with Job, he didn't receive much consolation on this earth compared to what he went through. But, God could see what Job could not. That thousands of years beyond Job's life there were people like you sharing his story. And his joy will be complete when he witnesses that in Heaven. That is the greatness of God, His ability to see beyond temporary pain to permanent pleasure--the greatest good.
Good thoughts. I like the idea of exchanging temporary pain for permanent pleasure, and the way God can use our pain for good--our own and/or others.
DeleteI feel like the first few paragraphs are my thoughts too. Only change Yap for Tanzania and "search is going well" to there is no search yet. I am glad you are a year older than me :) Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAlso I like what Jackie said.
I hear ya, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteYou know, you COULD decide that you'll run your own life and just do whatever you wanted---try to make a lot of money, become a cut-throat power seeker, and start bossing the universe around. It would give you a certain sort of control and that would feel good.
BUT then in all the heartache that would inevitably come along with that, you couldn't say,
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." [2cor4.17]