Spiritual Alzheimer's
Sometimes I feel like I have spiritual Alzheimer’s. It’s a bit like walking a path in the dark, only to discover, somewhere back there, I might have gotten on a different path, but I’m not sure. I might actually still be on the right path, but I can’t be certain. Or like being thrown in water and not being sure for a second which way is up or down.
I guess I could come up with lots of analogies. But here’s what really happens. I’m alone in my little world with God, and maybe a few friends and family. I have good talks with God, and feel like I can trust Him. Sure, I don’t know what my next step is. Sure, I don’t have any career goals at the moment, and am not really taking any steps to make goals, other than praying. Sure, I am only making enough money to pay the minimum on my bills. But in my own little world, it’s ok, because I’ve been here before, and God always provides. Sometimes it seems like He leads me into these situations, into this life of unknowns and crazy, reckless faith, and sometimes I am ok with that. Sometimes it’s even exciting.
But then, along comes a new place or new people or just an ordinary conversation. Questions involving my future tend to spin me off into deeper questions that are only articulated in my heart:
Who am I again?
Wait, what am I doing here?
I think I was going somewhere…where was it?
And the biggest question, at the end of it all: Is Jesus really with me? Is He really still leading me?
What scares me the most in these times of spiritual disorientation is the thought that maybe I’m deceiving myself. Maybe I haven’t heard His voice, or maybe He hasn’t been leading me. Maybe I’m just making this all up as I go, and He’s somewhere back at that fork in the road trying to flag me down so I can get back on the right track.
Do I trust that Jesus knows who I am even when I’m not sure who I am?
Do I trust Jesus to know my purpose, what I am doing here, even when I forget?
Do I trust Jesus to remember where He’s taking me, even when I feel lost and confused?
Do I trust Jesus to remind me and keep me on the right path?
Do I trust Jesus?
“What if you lose yourself sometimes, and I’ll be the one to find you safe in my heart…” sings Ingrid Michaelson, and although she wasn’t writing the song about God, I think that’s what I hear Him saying. I am safe in His heart, always found there, even if I am lost and confused everywhere else.
I guess the point is that God is my one true thing. Without Him, my life would fall to pieces. This is a declaration of my weakness and brokenness, but also of my utter dependence on Jesus to come through for me and make it all make sense in the end.
“Then I pray to you, O Lord. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.’” Psalm 142:5 (NLT)
I guess I could come up with lots of analogies. But here’s what really happens. I’m alone in my little world with God, and maybe a few friends and family. I have good talks with God, and feel like I can trust Him. Sure, I don’t know what my next step is. Sure, I don’t have any career goals at the moment, and am not really taking any steps to make goals, other than praying. Sure, I am only making enough money to pay the minimum on my bills. But in my own little world, it’s ok, because I’ve been here before, and God always provides. Sometimes it seems like He leads me into these situations, into this life of unknowns and crazy, reckless faith, and sometimes I am ok with that. Sometimes it’s even exciting.
But then, along comes a new place or new people or just an ordinary conversation. Questions involving my future tend to spin me off into deeper questions that are only articulated in my heart:
Who am I again?
Wait, what am I doing here?
I think I was going somewhere…where was it?
And the biggest question, at the end of it all: Is Jesus really with me? Is He really still leading me?
What scares me the most in these times of spiritual disorientation is the thought that maybe I’m deceiving myself. Maybe I haven’t heard His voice, or maybe He hasn’t been leading me. Maybe I’m just making this all up as I go, and He’s somewhere back at that fork in the road trying to flag me down so I can get back on the right track.
Do I trust that Jesus knows who I am even when I’m not sure who I am?
Do I trust Jesus to know my purpose, what I am doing here, even when I forget?
Do I trust Jesus to remember where He’s taking me, even when I feel lost and confused?
Do I trust Jesus to remind me and keep me on the right path?
Do I trust Jesus?
“What if you lose yourself sometimes, and I’ll be the one to find you safe in my heart…” sings Ingrid Michaelson, and although she wasn’t writing the song about God, I think that’s what I hear Him saying. I am safe in His heart, always found there, even if I am lost and confused everywhere else.
I guess the point is that God is my one true thing. Without Him, my life would fall to pieces. This is a declaration of my weakness and brokenness, but also of my utter dependence on Jesus to come through for me and make it all make sense in the end.
“Then I pray to you, O Lord. I say, ‘You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.’” Psalm 142:5 (NLT)
i like this. because i have felt the same way. and will again. probably later today.
ReplyDeletewell done friend. it's beautiful and honest and real to many of us.
ReplyDeleteI'm just now coming to terms with my own doubts-- doubts about me, I mean. Yes, Jesus wants to lead me down the right path, but am I following Him? Yes, Jesus is good and fine and dandy: it's ME I'm not so sure about. But I've come to understand these moments of, as you said, "spiritual disorientation" as healthy moments of reflection. If I never asked myself, "Am I really following GOD and not just my own self-deception?" then I would never pause to reflect and evaluate my course and give God an opportunity to really turn my feet onto the right path.
ReplyDeleteSo while asking "Is Jesus really still with me?" could be spiritual Alzheimer's, asking "Am I really still with Jesus?" might be a healthy check-up.
Good points. Thanks, Kessia.
ReplyDelete